


we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

by sleepyshamrocks



Series: venus rising [2]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, brief mentions of sex, just two best friends learning how to make out, lots of yearning pining longing whatever you want to call it, with each other!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27593621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepyshamrocks/pseuds/sleepyshamrocks
Summary: It’s nice like this, existing in the safe, quiet bubble of your best friend.Until Heejin shatters the silence with, “Have you ever thought about sex?”
Relationships: Jeon Heejin/Kim Hyunjin
Series: venus rising [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018084
Comments: 16
Kudos: 236





	we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

**Author's Note:**

> it's like 3 am but i just had to roll this one out. thanks to sya for beta-ing and keeping me awake during class :3

A harbinger of chaos descends upon them during lunch in the form of Chaewon, who carries uncharacteristic eyebags visible through her make-up and a lack of spring in her step that she usually flaunts with her uniform skirt hiked up past her knees, now drooping two centimeters below the mandated line. A distressed Chaewon is a quiet Chaewon, who only materializes before exams and when the principal busts her for vandalizing the girls’ bathroom on the first floor, so it’s perfectly understandable why Hyunjin doesn’t notice her presence at their table at first, too busy doing her best to annoy Heejin by intercepting her fork whenever she raises it to her mouth. 

“Hyun, stop it. I’m trying to eat,” Heejin whines, her mouth half-full with rice and broccoli.

In response, Hyunjin uses her fork to spear the piece of chicken on Heejin’s mid-air and lifts it with a victorious ‘hah!’, preening the way an eagle would right after it swoops down and catches a fleeing mouse. “I’m the greatest marksman to ever live.”

“Come onnn. I have to study for our calc test after this, and I won’t have time to do that if you keep bothering me. So keep your hands to yourself,” Heejin punctuates with a glare, and from an outsider’s perspective it really does look like Hyunjin is bullying her. But Hyunjin knows that she likes the attention, knows the signs that signal her to stop for real, and so she continues her crusade to bother her best friend, only pausing when she realizes that Chaewon’s head is slumped over right next to her bowl of soup.

Hyunjin taps on her forehead and says, “are you dead?” at the same time Heejin asks, “what’s wrong, Wonnie?” with a concerned expression. 

“I couldn’t get a single second of sleep last night,” Chaewon groans, face still planted on the slightly greasy table. Hyunjin’s pretty sure that a decade’s worth of lunch stains is probably oozing into her skin right now. “Tried studying for the test when I gave up counting the tiles on my ceiling and I couldn’t even do _that_ because I couldn’t bear breaking my 15-test streak of winging every single one of them. And then I tried calling Hyejoo twenty times but she wouldn’t pick up! Like, what kind of gee-eff?”

“What time was this, exactly?” Heejin questions.

“4.”

“That’s probably why.”

Chaewon finally raises her head and scrunches her face up at the sudden glare of the cafeteria lights. If she tries hard enough, Hyunjin thinks she can make out the outline of a face in the color of Chaewon’s foundation on the spot her head once was.

“Sooyoung is dead to me,” she deadpans.

“Ooh, we’re talking about Sooyoung!” Hyunjin perks up. “What about her? Does she need her shoes tied? Her hair brushed? Her nails smooched? Does she still think of me as the girl who dropped an entire pie down her shirt during your birthday party? Because I still haven’t gotten a chance to clear my name to this day, which I think is quite unfair.”

“Yes, Hyunjin. My sister still refers to you as pie-hole.”

“Damn.” Hyunjin deflates so hard air whistles out her nostrils for a good ten seconds. It’s exaggerated, they all know it, but Heejin puts her utensils down and wraps an arm around Hyunjin in a comforting side-hug, and it feels so nice that her brain zaps for a moment as she tries to recall what they were just talking about.

“So, what did Sooyoung do to warrant a hit?” Heejin asks, her chin digging into Hyunjin’s right shoulder.

Chaewon finishes swallowing and answers, “I think she did the deed with her girlfriend last night. I had to hear the walls thump to the rhythm of _Staying Alive_ for four entire hours, which is not only super inconsiderate, it’s also a major hazard to the structural integrity of our house, which probably didn’t register in either of their brains because they were too busy being blown out.”

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow. “Wait, your parents were okay with that?”

“Nope, they’re out until tomorrow on a business trip. Normally, I’d rat Sooyoung’s ass out in a heartbeat, but that would paint me as a prude, and I can’t have her telling Hyejoo I’m a snitch! Plus, I owe her for covering for me when I scratched our dad’s car against a telephone pole during a midnight escapade involving Yerim’s Shih Tzu and some non-toxic body paint we stole from the art room. Don’t ask.”

“Huh.” Hyunjin’s perfectly willing to drop the topic – sure, even though her crush on Sooyoung was far-fetched and she can begrudgingly admit that she’s no match for _the_ Kim Jungeun, model extraordinaire, it still stings to think that she might’ve had a chance if only she were three years older, way prettier, and not Sooyoung’s kid sister’s partner in mischief – but Heejin has been quiet for a little too long on her shoulder and it’s fun teasing her anyway, so Hyunjin pokes her on the cheek and says, “you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”

Heejin blushes bright red. She scoffs and pushes Hyunjin away, her voice squeaking at an unnaturally high tone. “Am not!”

“You so are.”

“You’re annoying.” Heejin turns away from her, gaze narrowed with pretend annoyance, and leans over to Chaewon. “But seriously, though. Your sister really did… _that_? Isn’t she just a few years older than us?” she says in a hushed voice, as if worried that someone is going to barge into their conversation and arrest her for thinking indecent thoughts.

“Did what?” Chaewon cups a hand behind her ear. “Come on, say the words. I wanna hear them.”

“I –.” The redness has crept to her neck now. Heejin doesn’t look uncomfortable, just embarrassed. Hyunjin understands why. She’s always been the type to hold both hands in front of her eyes during kissing scenes in movies, the type to balk at the idea of entering a relationship because ‘the kids in Bridge to Terabithia did that and look where it got them’, even though they’re sixteen already and everyone else in their friend group has moved on past the first-kiss euphoria stage. It’s the one thing Hyunjin makes sure to never make fun of her for, her inexperience and lack of desire to pursue said experiences, and while that does mean missing out on spin the bottle during parties or planning triple dates with their friends, Hyunjin is fine with it, content with messing around just like they’ve been doing since they were little kids. 

Still, it doesn’t stop her from waggling her eyebrows suggestively. “Netflix and chill, right?”

Chaewon jumps in. “No, Imax and climax.”

“Amazon Prime and bedtime.”

“HBO and take it slow.”

“Blockbuster and thrus—,”

“Stop it.” Heejin jams her hands over her ears, eyes squeezed shut. “Forget I asked. You two are insufferable.”

The last part falls on deaf ears, as Hyunjin and Chaewon are too busy roleplaying as Sooyoung and Jungeun pretending to make out. They only stop when Hyunjin’s knee accidentally tips over Chaewon’s soup bowl all over the floor, and Heejin slides so far down the bench that she yelps when her skirt comes in contact with the forsaken miso broth.

The two of them are in Heejin’s room again, lounging about trying to finish their piling schoolwork, except this time the usual scenario has been switched: Hyunjin is the one racing through her essay on the thematic composition of The Memoirs of Lady Hyegyeong, typing with such an intense ferocity that Nori, the Jeons’ yapping little Dachshund, promptly scrabbled out of the door two minutes in, while Heejin hasn’t moved from her initial position on the bed for the past three hours, hands busy fiddling with a throw pillow like it’s what she’s put on earth to do.

She’s been quietly contemplative the entire week, and Hyunjin figured that they’d get to talk now that they finally have time for each other, but one look at the neat stack of printed papers on Heejin’s desk sent her spiraling about the assignment that she’s only written the title and her name for. Like always, Heejin had reminded her over and over about it, and Hyunjin had conveniently forgotten to activate her hearing every single time, leading them down this painful cycle yet again.

She finishes formatting her citations, saves the document, and sends it to her email for printing later. The adrenaline lingers in her hands, still twitching from how fast they flew across the keyboard with a metaphorical gun pointed at each finger, and Hyunjin feels the thrill of just barely making it shoot down her spine, an electrifying _fuck you_ to academia and its uptight directives on deadlines.

There’s something more important than sticking it to the system though. She walks over to the bed and drapes herself across Heejin’s body, breaking the low hum of the AC with, “What’s got you thinking so hard, hmm?”

Heejin doesn’t answer immediately. Hyunjin can’t see her face, but she feels a pair of hands rest on her back and play with the ends of her hair. “Do you ever…do you ever think about what Chaewon said last week?”

“Which part? She talks like she’s getting paid by the word.”

“You know. _That_. The stuff we talked about during lunch.”

“You’re complimenting my memory too much here. I can barely remember which pair of socks I wore for school today.”

Heejin grows silent again. Hyunjin doesn’t push her, partly because she knows how much Heejin dislikes being pried open, and partly because her eyelids are growing heavy, slowly lulled to sleep by the circles Heejin is drawing on her back and the white noise buzzing throughout the room. It’s nice like this, existing in the safe, quiet bubble of your best friend.

Until Heejin shatters the silence with, “Have you ever thought about sex?”

“What?” The question startles her into sitting up. “Why would you ask that?”

Whatever Heejin was about to say next dies on her lips, bravado shriveling into dust, and she presses the throw pillow on her face. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Seriously. You can’t just say that and not tell me anything else.”

Heejin moans in defeat, the sound muffled by her pillow. She’s clearly regretting it, but the words are out in the open now, burning a path for a rapid succession of questions threatening to spill out Hyunjin’s lips. Her heartbeat quickens, so loud she fears that Heejin can hear it through the thin material of her shirt.

The question is salacious coming from Heejin, yes, but it’s not like Hyunjin’s never thought about it before, or talked about it with Chaewon and Jiwoo and Yerim and Hyejoo and – anyone she considers a friend, really. Sex is a hot topic at their age, one that makes them all feel older and more mature despite never having gone past second base with anyone, even Chaewon and Hyejoo, who always talk a big game. It’s so, so easy to talk about sex when everyone’s slathering it with humor to cover up their nervousness, and by all means, Hyunjin’s used to it. Has seen enough things on the internet to be desensitized to it.

But it’s different with Heejin. Hyunjin wonders whether she’ll ever stop thinking of her as special, whether she’ll ever stop feeling like she can crack her ribs open and offer Heejin space to carve out a part for herself there, permanent and aching.

The question hangs between them. Gently, Hyunjin repositions herself so that she’s lying parallel to Heejin on the bed, leaving enough space between them so that they’re not touching. The thought of her skin sliding against Heejin’s – how it’d feel, the warmth of their bodies lined up against each other, Heejin’s ear to her chest, a hand stroking her hair – makes her burn up.

“I’m not going to make fun of you. Just tell me what’s on your mind,” she says, low enough to be a whisper.

Slowly, Heejin removes the pillow from her face. Her eyes remain shut as she answers, carefully, “I feel like I’m behind everyone else. Kissing, dating, even just…talking about sex. I know I’m supposed to be more adult about these things but. Is it bad that I don’t feel ready to be intimate with anybody else? Wasn’t puberty supposed to make me horny?”

Hyunjin clears her throat. “There’s nothing wrong with taking it slow. None of our friends are in a rush, you know, not that you should be comparing yourself to them.” She’s insanely grateful that Heejin still isn’t looking at her, because her face feels like it’s been dipped in lava. “Plus, it’s not like I’ve dated anyone recently, either. You’re not falling behind on anything.”

“Yeah, but you had Ryujin last year. That was something.”

“Ryujin? We only started ‘dating’ because the lady at the strip mall ice cream shop gave us a couple’s discount whenever we went together after basketball practice. I don’t think we ever planned for people to actually know; Chaeryeong or one of the other girls on the team must’ve overheard when we went as a group. Anyway, we broke it off, like, a month later because the lady apparently broke up with her girlfriend and stopped believing in love or something.”

“Oh.” Then, “You’ve never told me that. I always assumed…well, I kept wondering why you two seemed completely fine with each other during the classes we shared.”

“Yeah. There was nothing between us. And I didn’t even get to make out with her! She was too busy making googly eyes at Yeji during practice,” Hyunjin pretends to complain, just to alleviate the air.

She doesn’t get a response after that. Each minute that passes brings her closer and closer to DEFCON 1 on the panic scale. She’s at level 2 now: instincts primed to spout humor as a defense mechanism, knees not jelly enough yet to consider making a break for it. They’re getting there, though. Her kneecaps are in the process of being ground down to gelatin powder.

“Do you want to try it?”

She’s so surprised that the word slips out without thinking. “Sex?”

Heejin’s eyes fly open, and when they meet Hyunjin’s she can see the panic behind them, too. “No, I – that’s not –,” she sputters. “I just meant, like, the lighter stuff. The thing you didn’t get to do with Ryujin.”

Hyunjin stares. “Why?” _What is it that you want?_

“Because…because I don’t like feeling left out. And I figured that if I’m going to do it anyway, might as well do it with someone I trust, right?” Heejin holds her gaze, swallows down the fear. “And there’s no one I trust more than you.”

Hyunjin is too stunned to reply. A million thoughts are racing across her mind and she can’t wrangle a single one into coherence. It’s funny what a sledgehammer to the face can do to you.

Heejin mistakes her silence for reluctance. Her face shutters dark, and she retreats even further into herself, pressing down against the comforter as if she longed for it to swallow her whole. “Never mind. That was stupid,” she mutters. “Sorry for bringing it up.”

“Let’s do it.”

“Really?”

“There’s no one I trust more than you, too,” Hyunjin says, and it’s honest. Embarrassingly so. It’s still honest when she inches closer to her, and though she must’ve moved no more than a few centimeters it feels like crossing an entire ocean.

“It’s not a big deal to you anyway, right?” Heejin whispers. Hyunjin can’t help but feel a slight twinge of hurt at the thought of Heejin feeling the need to save face in front of her. 

She can lie, right now. She can tell Heejin, yes, it’s just kissing. We’re just practicing, and maybe tomorrow or next week or next year you’ll get to experience the real thing with someone you want to do it for real with, and you’ll remind me of this moment when you call to tell me about it. I can be the free trial before you decide to drop 150,000 won per month on the premium thing, baby.

Or she can tell her, we’ve always joked about being each other’s first kiss, and even though we stopped after I had mine, I still think about yours all the time.

Hyunjin is honest when she takes Heejin’s face in her hand and pulls her close.

Heejin gasps into her mouth, hot and wet, and her arms instinctively rise to tangle with Hyunjin’s, bringing them even closer together. The feel of her lips – the heat, the softness of it, pushing and pulling like waves on the shore – is intoxicating, so much so that Hyunjin feels like this is the best high she’s ever going to get. Her breath hitches when something warm and heavy meets her tongue. Distantly, she regains the feel of her hands and brings them down from the back of Heejin’s head to her waist, ghosting over the muscle of her back. The momentum carries her forward, tilting their bodies to Heejin’s side of the bed.

Hyunjin opens her eyes and realizes that she’s no longer lying sideways, and that Heejin is gazing straight back at her, chest rising and falling with want. Someone moans the moment they meet each other again – Hyunjin thinks it might be her, because being on top means that she can feel Heejin’s chest right under hers, feel their heartbeats racing against each other, gravity melding their bodies into one. She balances herself by hooking her legs around Heejin’s, and the proximity dissipates whatever semblance of innocence either of them was hoping to keep. Heat explodes in her belly when Heejin rolls her hips experimentally, her fraying pajama pants scratching the soft of Hyunjin’s thighs.

Then Heejin’s hands tug at the hem of her shirt, cold against her bare waist, and Hyunjin jars into reality.

“Wait, no, I –,”

“Sorry. Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, it’s just –,”

“I didn’t mean – I’m sorry.” Heejin buries her face in her hands.

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin assures, trying to control her breathing. The air is glaringly cool on her skin.

Now that the moment’s interrupted, anxiety sloshes in her stomach for reasons her mind isn’t clear enough yet to decipher, alarm bells screaming _oh my god did we just do that_ and _why is she not moving_ and _what the fuck do I say now_ in an excruciating loop.

Kissing was the fun part. Talking – she’d rather get her nerves peeled out one by one.

The silence is so thick that her breathing sounds like cave echoes to her own ears. Hyunjin lowers herself to the bed so that she’s no longer hovering above the other girl, but the distance doesn’t reduce the weight sitting on her chest. Every movement she makes feels like taking another step on a tightrope strung beyond its tensile strength, and all it takes is a single wrong move to send her hurtling down the clouds below.

This uncertainty, this stillness. This is not a feeling she wants to associate with Heejin.

“Hey,” Hyunjin says softly. “Talk to me.”

Heejin finally finds the courage to lower her hands and meet her gaze, though not without hesitance. “That was…”

“Good?”

“Yeah,” Heejin answers, a slight tremble in her voice. “Good.”

“I’m glad.”

This isn’t them. There hasn’t been one moment in the history of their friendship when such awkwardness had infiltrated the easy flow between them, and Hyunjin isn’t about to let this be the first, so she says, with everyday nonchalance: “You know, we should’ve put on some music. Too bad Yerim stole your speakers for her murder mystery dinner, or else we’d be rocking to some great Spotify tracks right now.”

“Music?” Heejin gawks.

“Mm hmm. Sistar’s Touch My Body would’ve really set the mood, don’t you think?”

Heejin groans. “You’re so – ugh. Don’t ruin Sistar for me.”

“Imagine making out to Hyolyn’s pipes. We would’ve ascended so hard,” Hyunjin shakes her head in disappointment. “Missed opportunity, if you ask me.”

“Shut up!” Heejin whacks her with a pillow, both of them rolling with laughter. The world clicks back into place. Hyunjin feels the fog finally lift as she watches Heejin’s eyes crinkle at the edges, her grin dripping with mirth.

She wants to say it so badly it hurts, water rising in her lungs with every unspoken word. Sixteen years she’s lived, and eight of them were spent loving Jeon Heejin, and she thinks she might spend a lifetime continuing to do the same, steady and patient the way a heart pulses in the center of every being. Maybe Heejin wouldn’t be so self-conscious if she had the permission to worship her body without having to attach a joke at the tail; maybe she wouldn’t feel the need to increase the pitch of her voice all the time if she knew how much Hyunjin likes hearing her talk, even if it is about her obsession with obscure ’80s anime. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But now is not the time. Now, they cuddle on the bed the way they’ve done countless times before, bodies tied together in shared memory. The outside world bathes them in the orange glow of streetlights arcing past the pink bunny curtains Heejin insisted on never getting rid of, the sound of car doors slamming shut as families reunite for dinner after a long day, and the promise of tomorrow, time that stretches with infinite possibilities if she dares to snatch one inside a closed fist.

“Hyun?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for doing this with me.”

“No problem. Thanks for showing me what I missed out on with Ryujin.”

“Excuse me? Why are you bringing _her_ up all of a sudden?”

“Aww, are you jealou – ow! Hey!”

She yelps when Heejin kicks the small of her back in an attempt to get her to fall off the bed and retaliates by digging her fingers into the fleshy part of Heejin’s ribs, sending the other girl into a panicked frenzy as she flails around under Hyunjin’s hands, shouting _you’ll regret this_ and a stream of swear words that sound like they were adopted off a PG-13 film.

The conversation can wait. Until then, Hyunjin knows what to do.

**Author's Note:**

> they said to write what you know, and fortunately i did not heed that advice 💔 (the kissing part not the pining after your best friend part)
> 
> lmk your thoughts!!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/sleepyshamrocks)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/sleepyshamrocks)


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